It’s been awhile. Chalk it up to a busy life and no time for dating, but recently, I’ve had a lot of stuff throw me for a loop. It feels strange that I never talked about it here, because I did plenty of talking about it to other people in many other venues. Which might be why I never felt the need to spill my guts here. This space has become a place where I can work things out that I can’t really talk through with friends or family or on Twitter. This last…complication…was so involved and had so much impact on my possible future and on other people in my life that to talk about it here would be to put it on paper and to give it more importance than I was willing to admit.
The long and short of it is that I poured my heart out to a man who’s family has been friends of mine and in-laws to my mother’s sister for my entire life and well before that. Suffice it to say, there’s a lot of history there. I don’t see this guy often, but when I do, there are lots of sparks. It doesn’t go beyond that because there are a lot of complicating factors, but there are definitely sparks. So I decided to grab the situation by the balls and put my feelings out there. I was honest and vulnerable and let my flag fly, so to speak. And he did not salute.
Not only did he not salute, he kind of glanced at the flag, shrugged, and walked away.
I am bruised, to say the very least. I am heartbroken in the kind of way that doesn’t exactly feel like heartbreak. More like preemptive mourning of what could have been, but isn’t. I’m not sad necessarily – though there have been tears. I feel a gaping maw of what I’m missing in my life more acutely than I did before.
But at the same time, I am grateful to him. He had a lot of baggage and I would’ve had to change my whole course to adapt to a life with him. It would’ve been a lot of sacrifice, on both of our parts, and it never would’ve worked had he not been 100% committed, and he never could’ve been 100%. (Did I mention we live 2000 miles apart?)
So I thank him for freeing me of that longing, and I’m trying to move on.
Ironically in a year that has not had much romantic promise, two days after I heard from him, a birdie whispered in my ear that a mutual friend was kind of crushing on me. I know him, we chat on Twitter every few days or so, and I also I know that we are not of the same political mind. In fact, we are as diametrically opposed as you can get. He is far right, I am pretty far left. We’re both in DC, both working in the political/PR fields. I hate to use the term “dealbreaker” about this one, but if ever there was one…
But I have to say, the events of the last few weeks – laying everything on the line and throwing caution to the wind (while we’re using cliches) – have made me a little more open-minded about a guy that six months ago, I would have dismissed outright. All indications I’ve gotten is that he’s political but not evangelical, not proselytizing. And maybe I am getting too picky. Is it better to date someone who is passionate, even if their views differ widely from your own, instead of someone who is apathetic? Does this whole affair make me more open-minded, more hopeful that differences don’t have to be dealbreakers? Or does it just make me dumber?